I think about this cancer all the time. Sometimes I wish I had an answer as to why I got this cancer. I know I didn't cause the cancer. All the good psychotherapists tell you, "you didn't cause this to happen." Nobody is that good, they say. And yet, what could I have done differently? That is a really slippery slope. I won't go there.
I don't go there. Honestly, though, I go there. What should I have done? There's a lot riding on this. My husband, my daughter, my son....
I don't know if I would change the experiences of this last year. Certainly, I would change the cancer to something more exotic, more curable. But I have learned more about myself, more about my family and my friends, I have learned that I am surrounded by wonderful people, people that have helped me and my family and shown me true, true love. It has been a humbling and glorious experience. I am a blessed and lucky woman.
I choose to view this as a journey, as a chance to make changes in my life. I am so thankful. I almost died last year. Sometimes that reality comes into focus and I think, "I have today!" I am thankful for each day. I still get mad at my kids and impatient with the dogs. I forgot Tuesdays are trash and Wednesday recycling. Laundry piles up, bills need to be paid, errands to be run and the dishwasher emptied. But those are the days I get, days I might have missed. So the frustrations of my life before cancer are vague memories. The frustrations of life today are just that, frustrations that happen and are gone. I don't hold on to anything negative anymore. That is the optimist in me. I choose to hold on to the positive things that happen, and if they happen to be negative, I do my damndest to make them positive - and I am usually successful.
I feel an increasing sense of peace regarding my diagnosis and my future - mostly because I don't know what that future holds! We are born and we die, we don't get a choice in either. I feel prepared for whatever happens because I have had such a wonderful life until this day.
At our house we say, "It is what it is, we can't change yesterday, we don't know what tomorrow will bring, so we have today." I say that to myself every morning and every morning I choose to live.
I know is may seem simplistic or maybe too goody, goody, but I just don't want to live any other way.
I just don't want to waste any of my days being depressed or sad. I hope for many more years, but I will just take what I get, what each day brings me.
The reason for all these musings is that I woke up today, took the dogs for our walk, and saw the beauty of the day, felt the warmth of the sun and realized, "I am O.K., I am O.K." I am starting to let go, I can move forward. It is going to be alright.