Tuesday, January 19, 2010

To Chemo or Not to Chemo

I have made it through my fifth course of carboplatin/gemzar relatively unscathed this time. The side effects are getting worse and I had a very yucky 48 hour or so period in which I was miserable.

Today is chemo course six, day one.  I was pretty anxious leading up to this course. Is this my last carbo/gemzar? I don't know.  I saw Dr. Chapman this morning at about 8am. The plan for now is to have a CTscan and a physical under anesthesia and then we will meet to determine the nest course of action.  I don’t know if this will all happen in the next week or next month, but for now I will just enjoy each day.  I have Day 8 to climb over next Tuesday and until I hear from my chemo nurse, I don’t know what else or when.

I would like to believe it is the last and that I can go on to something less invasive, but what do I know  (?), I am not the doc looking at study results, test results and the big cancer picture.  But I am the patient and I do end up having the shitty side effects and living in pain and uncertainty. And that's not a whole lot of fun.  But then the bad days pass and I feel good and I think, I could do this for a very long time. When the price becomes too steep, the side effects too persistent and if my quality of life becomes compromised, then I will look at these things in a different light.
We enjoyed a warm up in the weather and this has helped pick up my spirits.  The holidays were wonderful and I try to remind myself daily about how far I have come since last year.  Hell, I have come pretty far since July of 2007!  I am doing the best I can at trying to live one day at a time.  Time and hope really are good medicine.

One year ago, I was just out of the hospital and weak as a kitten.  And the recovery process this last year has been long and sometimes very, very hard.  But today I am good. I am stronger, healthier and happier. 

There is a website/blog I have been visiting recently called Being Cancer.  Here is the link. http://beingcancer.net/2010/01/14/ I really like it because it is written by a cancer patient for cancer patients and has links to lots of great information.  The post for 1-14-2010 is a wonderful essay about being hopeful and learning from cancer.  I urge you to read it! This site has also been linked to my blog, the administrator liked what I had to say, it was very flattering.

I send my good energy and hopes for you all to enjoy have a good winter. I am hoping for a little more snow, a couple of cold days which force me to stay inside, and then when the spring comes, I will jump into that season full of energy and both feet!