I have been having a hard time lately. I really don’t want to go back on chemo. I really want to be healed. I really want to have a life again. A life that doesn’t include cancer.
I really would like to begin again.
But that is not my reality - yet. I might be one of those women that has chemo for four years, five years and then maybe remission. I might also be one of those women that never has remission. I might never. I faced that reality last fall. Last September I faced that. It was brutal, it was awful. I cried for days. Days. I hated those days. There were many long talks, phone calls. I needed to tell each and every one of the people in my life, that I love, love, I needed to tell them personally that it wasn’t going to be pretty, or a beautiful story. At least not yet, not at that time.
And I am still not there yet. I really thought that with four months of CA125 tests scoring below 35 that I was on the way to good health. What I am is a chronic ovarian cancer patient. I will have this for the rest of my life. I will be sick from the treatment for the rest of my life.
I will also have periods of relatively good health while I am in treatment. And that is what I am experiencing right now. I feel good, I have low energy, but I don’t feel sick. No nausea, no overwhelming fatigue, no devastating side effects. Today I feel good. And isn’t that all we really have? Isn’t today good? I think so.....
I am content.
And have overused the word really.