Wednesday, May 6, 2009

You know that friend you see infrequently? The one that always repeats the same information, the one who always complains or won’t quite read the signal that you can’t listen anymore, you need to go? Guess what? IT’S ME!!! I have decided I have ‘run-on of the mouth.’

I am so sick of listening to my cancer story. I am tired of hearing my voice saying the same thing over and over. I am tired of repeating my story. Can you imagine? It only took me two years to get here. I am a slow learner, like a dog at a bone.

Here’s the latest? Have I told you this before? I’m sorry. I seem to have blinders on. In March my CA125 was at 611. Eight VitC treatments later, many donuts denied, many pills (prescribed, of course) later my CA125 dropped to 91. It was like winning the lottery. It was winning the lottery. Something, maybe everything is working. I feel wonderful, overjoyed, even slightly self righteous about what a ‘good’ life I am living.

But I am tired of feeling like I am not living. Isn’t that a funny thing to say?

I don’t feel engaged with life, with the world outside of my comfortable four walls. I want my world to become bigger. The truth is that healing is not just about visits to the doctor, pharmacist, psychiatrist and infusion center. Healing is also about engaging in everyday conversation. It’s about talking with friends and strangers. It is in waking up to face the day with the challenge of the working world. I am not lonely. I am not depressed or sad. But I am tired of my own company and my own voice. Recently I applied for a job with the local library. Unfortunately for me, the scheduled phone interview came on the day I found out I had a bladder infection and a 104 degree temp. I soldiered on with the interview, but I probably sounded like an individual with a 104 degree temp. I can’t really remember because I was a little out of my head that morning. I am even considering responding to an ad for a customer service phone rep with the (gulp!) local media conglomerate. The truth is I am really good at customer service. I know how to talk to people who are usually anxious about something or need something (who else calls those help lines, anyway?) And I am especially good over the phone. Those whom I have worked with in retail and food service will remember my very unremarkable skills in those industries.

So, get ready world. Here I come again! I am so thankful for all the help, the notes, the gifts, the meals. We really needed all of you these last two years and I feel blessed to have our family and friends take such good care of us. I am glad to be feeling this way. It feels right to want to reengage with the world again. I am ready to ‘be’ something again. I know I am good at fighting ovarian cancer, and this doesn’t mean that you can’t ask how we are doing or how I am feeling. But when I tell you something you already know, let me know and we’ll move on to more important things!

Happy Spring everyone. I believe it is finally here.
Much love,


Dahlia said...

Good luck on the job hunt! I think that just having something normal and routine in your life will be uplifting in itself.
But don't EVER feel guilty about yourself. You don't whine, but carry a positive attitude in whatever you do.
You're a strong beautiful woman and don't you fking forget it.

earl said...

Damn, that sounds good. So very much looking forward to seeing you in the world.

Oh, and what Deb said!

christy said...

No explanation necessary for why you're tired of it all, but for god's sake you don't have to explain or ever apologize to people who care about you and want to know what's going on at the moment. That you want to get out and about is a good thing to be wanting at this moment.

And what Earl and Deb said!

Peggy said...

You may be good on the phone, but you're also a damn good writer! Maybe it's time to start getting paid for it?