Wednesday, March 31, 2010

On a precipice...

I feel as though I am standing on a precipice. It could be the steroids coursing through my body.  It could be the chemo I received Monday and Tuesday.  It could be the general anxiety I feel during week one of chemo.  I had my ninth infusion of carboplatin and gemzar on Monday.  It was a strange stay in the hospital.  I was more anxious than usual going in, hadn’t slept well in the days before, and generally felt strange.

I have been thinking a lot about continuing the chemo. I wonder how much longer this one will work for me, how much longer can I go with it before it stops working or becomes too toxic for my body.  And I have been thinking about how wonderful it will be to stop chemo.  It would be wonderful, after almost three years of continuous chemotherapy, to just stop.  And that’s when I get panicky.  My experience has been that when I stop chemo (for a surgical procedure or something), the cancer returns with a vengeance. 

And then those thoughts bring me full circle.  What if the cancer is gone this time? What if I have managed to find remission?  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  The truth is that I really feel quite peaceful in the midst of all the uncertainty. For the last sixth months I have been living in the present, more so that at any other time in my illness.  Since Dr. C gave us the talk late last September, I have resigned myself to the idea that this is a chronic disease. I accept now that today is the best day. Today I am content.

We had a lovely holiday season, no worries or sickness hanging over our heads.  We managed, along with every one else, to live through this long, long winter.  Even on the cloudy days we found things to be happy about. We went to the mountains over Spring Break, giving ourselves that long dreamed of trip. That trip we kept putting off until later. It was incredible.  We had five full days. We got to have M and C all to ourselves.  They were such great company.  I really enjoyed spending so much time with them and having an adventure that didn’t revolve around the cancer.

Now spring is here and we are finding our way outside. Richie and his brothers built a new workshop in the back shed over the winter.  He has dedicated workspace for his motorcycles now and is very happy.  The kids helped me rake up all the leaves we didn’t clean up last fall. They didn’t complain once! We really enjoyed ourselves. 

And here I am on the precipice.  Things have really been going our way and maybe I am on the cusp of something good.  Thanks for all the good wishes, for the hugs and good cheer when we see all of you! I love the words of encouragement and really do take the words to my heart.  I know I am looking stronger and when you all recognize it, it gives me strength. So thank you, thank you all for taking such good care of us these past few years.  The prayers and positive energy have really been working, so please don’t stop!

Love and hugs,

1 comment:

nat said...

I'm right next to you on that precipice Maggie. I really can understand how you feel. You put this very eloquently.

Pre-cancer, I can't remember often 'living in the moment'. That is something new for me, and I am glad that I learned it!

I hope that you have a wonderful spring - keep enjoying that family of yours!