My usual transition through chemo day one and beyond means I am feeling sick - nauseous, bone-achy, bone-tired, headachy, and not up for much but keeping to myself, in my bed. In ten (or so) days time I wake up again feeling like my old (and I do mean old) self. But this round has gone rather well for me and I feel like sharing it.
I did two things differently this time. I had a reiki treatment right after chemo. I don't know how it is supposed to work or why it works, but it does. I walked away feeling really good from the movement of energy. I had a nuelasta shot later that afternoon, followed by acupuncture and more energy work on Friday.
The other thing I did was to really give myself a wide berth in the food department. When I don't feel well, I will eat potatoes and corn and not beat myself up too much for going off the diet. This time, I told Richie that I just needed calories and what I really wanted was peppermint ice cream. And that's what I had on Friday night. It was devine. I love that stuff. Reminds me of Velvet Freeze and childhood and of true indulgence.
So, I am feeling good, slowly crawling my way out of this latest, longest depression I have been in. I feel strong enough to try for that walk tomorrow. I feel happy enough to join the living again. Thanks for the meals, the prayers and the good energy coming my way......
Maggie
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
I'll Keep My Dancing Shoes On!
Had a great weekend away with Richie. I went with him to Birmingham, AL to the Barber Festival. It was wonderful to ride around with him on this little 160cc Honda. We both had such big smiles on our faces. I was able to meet so many people that have become important to him in the world of vintage motorcycles. And they all love him. Makes a gal proud, but not surprised. He is such a wonderful man. I am thankful for him, and all his family and friends. And for all they do for us...
The biggest surprise of the weekend was an unexpected visit from my brother and sister! They were only two hours away and made the trip down for a short period of time. But we had a great visit and took a quick trip out to the motorcycle fest. They got to give Richie a squeeze and take their own trip around the museum grounds on the honda. There were lots of smiles and hugs all the way around.
I had my usual amount of energy (low) and spent time reading in our room at the hotel when I wasn’t out at the track, but I loved being away from home with just Rich for the weekend. I love our house and the home we have made here, but I spend a lot of time just being inside these four walls. I am not complaining and I really don’t want it to be any other way right now, but the weekend was a great reminder that there is a world out there that I still want to rejoin and I need to keep my dancing shoes on - just in case.
I really missed the kiddos. I feel very selfish about my time with them. I am not being negative when I say this, but I have no idea what my future holds and I want as much time with them as their teen age lives will allow. But it was also very good for them to have me gone for the weekend. They need to stand on their own (even though their wonderful cousin was here with them) and they need a break from cancer every now and then. We all need the break and this past weekend was really just that!
Our entire weekend was uneventful, which is always welcome. I left town feeling a bit nervous - the ‘what ifs’ sounding loudly in my head. To have made the trip and not had problems gives me hope. Our homecoming was good - it’s always good when your children are happy to see you - and they were!!
Recovering from the weekend has been my primary goal today - and I was lucky enough to have lunch today with three of my wonderful girlfriends. We talked all about the things we needed to catch up on with each other and very little about the cancer. I like it when things work out that way. I am weary of the cancer story. I don’t mind answering direct questions, but certainly there are more interesting subjects than the %^&$#!! cancer.
I am scheduled for my next chemo tomorrow and that will be number five for this round. I don’t know how many more she will prescribe, but I feel like I can handle a few more. Richie and I will meet with her sometime in the next few weeks to determine how we will move forward. There is the question of the tumor on my bladder to consider and what sorts of therapies are available to me as we move forward. I know that there are still many in the arsenal, but not all are available to me, and I would like some information and time to prepare for any plans Dr. C thinks we need to make.
A cancer blogger friend has decided to enter hospice. A sobering day. I am lucky to still be alive, I am determined to keep fighting. She has been an inspiration to me, strong, sassy and full of hope.
My latest mantra is 'I am holding my own.' I am not getting any worse and I feel pretty stable. The fatigue is pretty constant which makes the meals that much more wonderful. It’s so good to have a home cooked meal at the end of the day. Your generosity (you know who you are!) is soooooo appreciated. We feel your love and good energy every day. I know the prayers are working, keep ‘em up, please?!
Love and hugs,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Another update
Good news! I do love to share good news. After I started back on the nasty carbo/taxol chemo treatment in July, I had an immediate drop in my ca125. I think it went from 357 to 62. And then it started to creep back up. Two weeks ago, it had reached 109 and I was thinking that this was an indication that the therapy was not working for me. But today, I have positive results from yesterday's ctscan and bloodwork. My ca125 was at 111, really a negligible increase. The ctscan shows that I still have no metastices to my chest and abdomen and the tumor on my bladder measures slightly smaller than the last scan. How about that news? I have recently been telling people that I am holding my own and I REALLY am! Maybe this is an indication that the roller coaster is changing course yet again. I'll take that because I like the highs. This also means that I must continue on the course I've chosen, more chemo, more nausea, more fatigue. It took a long time for me to grow this cancer, it's going to take a long time to get well.
We are all doing pretty well. M and C continue to amaze me. I cannot imagine really, how difficult it must be to be going through the teen years WITH a mom who has cancer. Yet every day they get up, go to school and continue to live their lives. This is really sappy but it makes me think of the lyrics from the song 'Something Good' from The Sound of Music.
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
I really do think that if nothing else, if my life ends soon, if I die tomorrow, my beautiful children will live on and for that I am so very thankful.
Richie is doing well too. We both love Autumn and this time of year just makes me happy. I love the change in season and the cool quality of the days. I love jeans and sweaters and bundling up in a jacket. The only hard part of the weather now is my bald head. It's a little chilly with out any hair and my ears get so cold. A few weeks back a friend sent out a plea for headgear for me and I was the recipient of some rather beautiful scarves. I look rather elegant in them and I know that one day my hair will grow back. There is comfort in that.
We are planning more home improvement projects. We are always planning more home improvement projects. We'll probably never be done working on this house and that's okay because we are doing something we love. Or rather, Richie is doing the work and I am watching. I am going to go with Richie to Birmingham, AL for a business trip next weekend. It will be a bit of a anniversary trip - 20 years - this last September 22.
Retta has organized meals for us and we have a hot meal coming almost every other day. It is wonderful. On the days I feel good I can usually muster enough energy for a meal, but not always. These meals have been a godsend and a great chance to see people that I don't usually get to see and thank them in person for their generosity. We are very, very thankful.
My thanks to each and every one of you for your prayers and your good energy. It's working, it's really working!
Love and hugs,
Maggie
We are all doing pretty well. M and C continue to amaze me. I cannot imagine really, how difficult it must be to be going through the teen years WITH a mom who has cancer. Yet every day they get up, go to school and continue to live their lives. This is really sappy but it makes me think of the lyrics from the song 'Something Good' from The Sound of Music.
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
I really do think that if nothing else, if my life ends soon, if I die tomorrow, my beautiful children will live on and for that I am so very thankful.
Richie is doing well too. We both love Autumn and this time of year just makes me happy. I love the change in season and the cool quality of the days. I love jeans and sweaters and bundling up in a jacket. The only hard part of the weather now is my bald head. It's a little chilly with out any hair and my ears get so cold. A few weeks back a friend sent out a plea for headgear for me and I was the recipient of some rather beautiful scarves. I look rather elegant in them and I know that one day my hair will grow back. There is comfort in that.
We are planning more home improvement projects. We are always planning more home improvement projects. We'll probably never be done working on this house and that's okay because we are doing something we love. Or rather, Richie is doing the work and I am watching. I am going to go with Richie to Birmingham, AL for a business trip next weekend. It will be a bit of a anniversary trip - 20 years - this last September 22.
Retta has organized meals for us and we have a hot meal coming almost every other day. It is wonderful. On the days I feel good I can usually muster enough energy for a meal, but not always. These meals have been a godsend and a great chance to see people that I don't usually get to see and thank them in person for their generosity. We are very, very thankful.
My thanks to each and every one of you for your prayers and your good energy. It's working, it's really working!
Love and hugs,
Maggie
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A Milestone
Richie and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday. What a good feeling. I have now known him for almost half my life. Although the last few years with cancer have been devastating, I am still happy to be where I am, with the people I am with, living the life I am living.
Sure, I would get rid of the cancer, but the rest of it, it’s all been a wonderful ride.
On my way to making more memories....
Love,
Maggie
Sure, I would get rid of the cancer, but the rest of it, it’s all been a wonderful ride.
On my way to making more memories....
Love,
Maggie
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Four Weeks Later......
So much can happen in four weeks time.
School has started in my neck of the woods. Both M and C are settling in nicely to their new routines. They both like school. M loves the learning and the challenge. She is social and has a good group of friends, but is really driven by the learning. She is a natural leader and likes to be in control so the rhythm of school and the setting provides her with a great routine every day. She has her bad moments, even days, just like every other teenager, but for the most part, she loves school and is really happy to be home.
C, on the other hand, is much more social and likes being at school mostly because of the social interactions. He is intelligent, but doesn’t want to work as hard. If he can just power through something, get it over with and get back to his friends, he is happy. He is not a morning person and half the battle is getting him out the door with something in his stomach to carry him to lunchtime! I think he will have a good year though. The teachers and staff are targeting him and kids like him as leaders and encouraging them to step up. He is responding in a positive way and it is a pleasure to see him respond. He is such a generous young man and honest to a fault, I know he will do well.
So, it is nice to have everyone back in a routine. Richie and C went to Camp from Aug 2-12. Mom came to stay with me so that I could get through the Aug 3 chemo. She was a wonderful nurse and there really is nothing better than having your mama take care of you when you are feeling down. I am so glad she was able to be here for me. We had a wonderful visit, some really good talks and a regular cry every morning. I am so thankful and lucky to have such a wonderful mom.
Richie and C came home the same day Mom left. It was a great homecoming. They were road weary, but had had such a great time on the road and at Camp. I think their time together was very special. They both remarked on how nice it was to spend time with each other. They had great talks, hiking, boating, swimming, played games and ended each evening with a sauna. It was a memorable vacation.
M returned home the following day, August 13. I cannot describe how wonderful it was to touch her again. She looked just the same as she did when she left, and yet she looked completely different. She is even more self assured and confident. I am so glad to have her back home. Her Russian adventure was well worth it, but I think next summer we’ll encourage her to stay home, stay close to us, find a job and hang out with her friends.
On the cancer front, I with be getting another round of carboplatin and taxol next week. This will be my third round of this combination since July 13. I had a CTscan the week of July 19 and the results were a bit alarming. I have a new growth on my bladder. Dr. C asked us to come in to the office to discuss how to move forward. After I was given the actual results of the scan to read, I noticed a discrepancy from the CTscan results given in April. The upshot is that the April CTscan did not accurately report the growth on my bladder. Both Dr. C and I made a decision for me to take a break from chemo during this time. Had we had the correct information regarding the growth on my bladder, she would not have allowed the break and I would not have sought a break from the chemo. This is, of course, quite devastating and I am very angry. I would never, never have taken a break from the chemo if I had known there was a new tumor on my bladder. The only thing I know to do at this point is to keep moving forward.
With this new knowledge, Dr. C advised me to not travel. She thought it would be best to stay on the chemo schedule - no breaks. Richie and I decided she was right. We certainly didn’t need of repeat of July 2007 - another emergency in upstate NY. And I cancelled my trip to Idaho for river rafting. I didn’t need to be in an even more remote wilderness with a medical emergency. My chemo schedule would have also interfered with that trip, bringing me to Idaho roughly one week out of my infusion. My counts would have been low and I was just too damn nervous to put myself in that situation. The good news is that my CA125 is going down. It was 357 before the July 13 infusion and was 62 this past Tuesday. I really hate that CA125, but it gives me information and good or bad, that's what I need.
So the end of our summer didn’t really pan out like we had imagined. I am satisfied we made the right choices and I am hopeful that I will be able to do more next summer. I feel remarkably good for being back on this carbo/taxol routine. The worst days are the days right after chemo - nausea, headaches and the blahs, but the good days are really, really good.
Today, I am sitting in our living room, with M and C, watching a movie. C just made eggs and sausage for their lunch. The dogs are hoping for a few dropped crumbs and Opel, the new kitty, is watching from her perch on the couch. It is hot, hot, hot outside. Richie is in Wisconsin this weekend. I have most of my gang right where I need them and there’s not much more a gal can ask for than that. And me? I am content.
Many, many thanks for keeping us in your prayers and sending all that positive energy this way. We are also very thankful for the great meals we’ve been gifted. Those meals help more than you can imagine. Even when I feel good, I am incredibly tired. It’s hard to muster the energy to make a meal at the end of the day and your meals are very concrete help for my family. We are blessed to have all of you in our lives.
Love from all four of us,
Maggie
School has started in my neck of the woods. Both M and C are settling in nicely to their new routines. They both like school. M loves the learning and the challenge. She is social and has a good group of friends, but is really driven by the learning. She is a natural leader and likes to be in control so the rhythm of school and the setting provides her with a great routine every day. She has her bad moments, even days, just like every other teenager, but for the most part, she loves school and is really happy to be home.
C, on the other hand, is much more social and likes being at school mostly because of the social interactions. He is intelligent, but doesn’t want to work as hard. If he can just power through something, get it over with and get back to his friends, he is happy. He is not a morning person and half the battle is getting him out the door with something in his stomach to carry him to lunchtime! I think he will have a good year though. The teachers and staff are targeting him and kids like him as leaders and encouraging them to step up. He is responding in a positive way and it is a pleasure to see him respond. He is such a generous young man and honest to a fault, I know he will do well.
So, it is nice to have everyone back in a routine. Richie and C went to Camp from Aug 2-12. Mom came to stay with me so that I could get through the Aug 3 chemo. She was a wonderful nurse and there really is nothing better than having your mama take care of you when you are feeling down. I am so glad she was able to be here for me. We had a wonderful visit, some really good talks and a regular cry every morning. I am so thankful and lucky to have such a wonderful mom.
Richie and C came home the same day Mom left. It was a great homecoming. They were road weary, but had had such a great time on the road and at Camp. I think their time together was very special. They both remarked on how nice it was to spend time with each other. They had great talks, hiking, boating, swimming, played games and ended each evening with a sauna. It was a memorable vacation.
M returned home the following day, August 13. I cannot describe how wonderful it was to touch her again. She looked just the same as she did when she left, and yet she looked completely different. She is even more self assured and confident. I am so glad to have her back home. Her Russian adventure was well worth it, but I think next summer we’ll encourage her to stay home, stay close to us, find a job and hang out with her friends.
On the cancer front, I with be getting another round of carboplatin and taxol next week. This will be my third round of this combination since July 13. I had a CTscan the week of July 19 and the results were a bit alarming. I have a new growth on my bladder. Dr. C asked us to come in to the office to discuss how to move forward. After I was given the actual results of the scan to read, I noticed a discrepancy from the CTscan results given in April. The upshot is that the April CTscan did not accurately report the growth on my bladder. Both Dr. C and I made a decision for me to take a break from chemo during this time. Had we had the correct information regarding the growth on my bladder, she would not have allowed the break and I would not have sought a break from the chemo. This is, of course, quite devastating and I am very angry. I would never, never have taken a break from the chemo if I had known there was a new tumor on my bladder. The only thing I know to do at this point is to keep moving forward.
With this new knowledge, Dr. C advised me to not travel. She thought it would be best to stay on the chemo schedule - no breaks. Richie and I decided she was right. We certainly didn’t need of repeat of July 2007 - another emergency in upstate NY. And I cancelled my trip to Idaho for river rafting. I didn’t need to be in an even more remote wilderness with a medical emergency. My chemo schedule would have also interfered with that trip, bringing me to Idaho roughly one week out of my infusion. My counts would have been low and I was just too damn nervous to put myself in that situation. The good news is that my CA125 is going down. It was 357 before the July 13 infusion and was 62 this past Tuesday. I really hate that CA125, but it gives me information and good or bad, that's what I need.
So the end of our summer didn’t really pan out like we had imagined. I am satisfied we made the right choices and I am hopeful that I will be able to do more next summer. I feel remarkably good for being back on this carbo/taxol routine. The worst days are the days right after chemo - nausea, headaches and the blahs, but the good days are really, really good.
Today, I am sitting in our living room, with M and C, watching a movie. C just made eggs and sausage for their lunch. The dogs are hoping for a few dropped crumbs and Opel, the new kitty, is watching from her perch on the couch. It is hot, hot, hot outside. Richie is in Wisconsin this weekend. I have most of my gang right where I need them and there’s not much more a gal can ask for than that. And me? I am content.
Many, many thanks for keeping us in your prayers and sending all that positive energy this way. We are also very thankful for the great meals we’ve been gifted. Those meals help more than you can imagine. Even when I feel good, I am incredibly tired. It’s hard to muster the energy to make a meal at the end of the day and your meals are very concrete help for my family. We are blessed to have all of you in our lives.
Love from all four of us,
Maggie
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Summer Update
It's been a while since I have updated you all, I find it hard to do because I end up crying through most of it, but here goes....bear with me.
It is Sunday morning and quiet around our house. C and Richie are out riding the trails on their mountain bikes. The dogs and kitty are sleeping off their morning meal. M is still in Russia, she returns August 14. She has moved in with a new host family. She had been having some problems with the first family. This was their first hosting experience and I am afraid they were ill prepared for the experience. She is now living with a younger couple, their three year old son and their small dog (with three new puppies). She sounds much better and I believe this will be a much better experience for her.
I am slowly recovering from my chemo treatment that was given on July 13. I knew I would return to treatment when I decided to take a break in March. And oh, what a glorious break it was! Although I have had short breaks from chemo since my cancer was diagnosed in July 2007, most of those have been because of surgeries, or tests or procedures that needed to be done. In March, my CA125 was at 16 and as has been the routine with Dr. C, it was time to do a CTscan to determine what might be happening internally. Things looked good and there was no rush to the next treatment. My hope was for a permanent break, but that was not to be. After a few weeks, my CA125 started to climb again. When I saw Dr. C in May she was ready for me to start chemo treatment again. My CA125 had risen to about 140 and she wanted me back in treatment. I wanted more time. I wanted to get M off to Russia and enjoy some more time without the side effects that have become my constant companions.
So, on July 13 I was readmitted to KUMed for the beginning of yet another chemo cocktail. This time around I am getting carboplatin and taxol. These are the first line chemo drugs for ovarian cancer. I was not very happy about this combination. I don't want to lose my hair again and the carboplatin is nasty and makes me very sick. But Dr. C believes that I respond well to the carbo and with my most recent CA125 coming in at 357, I need the big guns again to blast those poor misguided cancer cells out of my system. It is terribly depressing. I keep hoping that I will beat this nasty disease only to have those cancer cells keep growing and beating me up. I am very tired, finding it very hard to pull myself up this time. I had a nuelasta shot (white blood cell booster) on July 15 and while I know I will be glad for it when my blood count drops, the side effects are almost worse than the chemo side effects. Achy bones, muscles, and a constant headache are exhausting.
Retta has organized meals for us and that is a great relief. Richie is very tired at the end of the day and I have very little energy. So it is nice to know that there is food for all of us and bright smiling faces delivering it. I have rides to and from Kansas City organized so that I do not have to drive home after my 24 hours of chemo and that gives me a chance to visit with family and friends.
C is a good nurse. I think he is doing well, he has more faith than any of us in my ability to beat this. I am a very lucky mama to have such a believer in my corner. He stayed by my side all day Friday. I couldn't ask for a better companion.
The bright side to all of this is that Dr. C continues to encourage me to build memories with my gang. And we'll work the chemo treatment around that. A little depressing, no? But she is right and I want Richie and the kids to remember the good times and not the nausea, the achy bones, the neulasta shots.
So, we are headed to Camp the first week of August. Richie, C and his friend D, and I will make the great trek East. We plan on staying at Camp until August 11th. School starts the 12th and the boys will start a day late, but Richie's work schedule was difficult to manipulate this year. M will return on August 14 and then my world will be whole again. I know she'll leave home someday to start her life, but she's only 16 and she belongs here with us!
In September I am going on a whitewater rafting trip in Idaho on the Salmon River. My cousin Ellen will be along on that trip and I am looking forward to seeing her and to be with a bunch of other cancer patients and survivors in the wilderness. I know that sounds a little crazy but I think I get to be a little crazy at this point in my life! I can let the world fall away and take in the beauty of the experience.
Richie and I will celebrate 20 years of married life this fall and are hoping to get away for a weekend in late September or October. This will depend on how I am doing, of course, so my plan is that I will be doing well.
Enough of the sad talk. It's a beautiful looking day outside. It IS Kansas in July, 95 degrees and 99.9% humidity (:)), clear blue skies. I might have cancer, but I am not stupid, I am sitting in the air conditioned house and plan on staying here the rest of the day.
I hope all of you are doing well, enjoying your summer, loving your families. Keep the good lovin' coming our way. We accept all prayers, good intentions and love. We always need your love.
Maggie
It is Sunday morning and quiet around our house. C and Richie are out riding the trails on their mountain bikes. The dogs and kitty are sleeping off their morning meal. M is still in Russia, she returns August 14. She has moved in with a new host family. She had been having some problems with the first family. This was their first hosting experience and I am afraid they were ill prepared for the experience. She is now living with a younger couple, their three year old son and their small dog (with three new puppies). She sounds much better and I believe this will be a much better experience for her.
I am slowly recovering from my chemo treatment that was given on July 13. I knew I would return to treatment when I decided to take a break in March. And oh, what a glorious break it was! Although I have had short breaks from chemo since my cancer was diagnosed in July 2007, most of those have been because of surgeries, or tests or procedures that needed to be done. In March, my CA125 was at 16 and as has been the routine with Dr. C, it was time to do a CTscan to determine what might be happening internally. Things looked good and there was no rush to the next treatment. My hope was for a permanent break, but that was not to be. After a few weeks, my CA125 started to climb again. When I saw Dr. C in May she was ready for me to start chemo treatment again. My CA125 had risen to about 140 and she wanted me back in treatment. I wanted more time. I wanted to get M off to Russia and enjoy some more time without the side effects that have become my constant companions.
So, on July 13 I was readmitted to KUMed for the beginning of yet another chemo cocktail. This time around I am getting carboplatin and taxol. These are the first line chemo drugs for ovarian cancer. I was not very happy about this combination. I don't want to lose my hair again and the carboplatin is nasty and makes me very sick. But Dr. C believes that I respond well to the carbo and with my most recent CA125 coming in at 357, I need the big guns again to blast those poor misguided cancer cells out of my system. It is terribly depressing. I keep hoping that I will beat this nasty disease only to have those cancer cells keep growing and beating me up. I am very tired, finding it very hard to pull myself up this time. I had a nuelasta shot (white blood cell booster) on July 15 and while I know I will be glad for it when my blood count drops, the side effects are almost worse than the chemo side effects. Achy bones, muscles, and a constant headache are exhausting.
Retta has organized meals for us and that is a great relief. Richie is very tired at the end of the day and I have very little energy. So it is nice to know that there is food for all of us and bright smiling faces delivering it. I have rides to and from Kansas City organized so that I do not have to drive home after my 24 hours of chemo and that gives me a chance to visit with family and friends.
C is a good nurse. I think he is doing well, he has more faith than any of us in my ability to beat this. I am a very lucky mama to have such a believer in my corner. He stayed by my side all day Friday. I couldn't ask for a better companion.
The bright side to all of this is that Dr. C continues to encourage me to build memories with my gang. And we'll work the chemo treatment around that. A little depressing, no? But she is right and I want Richie and the kids to remember the good times and not the nausea, the achy bones, the neulasta shots.
So, we are headed to Camp the first week of August. Richie, C and his friend D, and I will make the great trek East. We plan on staying at Camp until August 11th. School starts the 12th and the boys will start a day late, but Richie's work schedule was difficult to manipulate this year. M will return on August 14 and then my world will be whole again. I know she'll leave home someday to start her life, but she's only 16 and she belongs here with us!
In September I am going on a whitewater rafting trip in Idaho on the Salmon River. My cousin Ellen will be along on that trip and I am looking forward to seeing her and to be with a bunch of other cancer patients and survivors in the wilderness. I know that sounds a little crazy but I think I get to be a little crazy at this point in my life! I can let the world fall away and take in the beauty of the experience.
Richie and I will celebrate 20 years of married life this fall and are hoping to get away for a weekend in late September or October. This will depend on how I am doing, of course, so my plan is that I will be doing well.
Enough of the sad talk. It's a beautiful looking day outside. It IS Kansas in July, 95 degrees and 99.9% humidity (:)), clear blue skies. I might have cancer, but I am not stupid, I am sitting in the air conditioned house and plan on staying here the rest of the day.
I hope all of you are doing well, enjoying your summer, loving your families. Keep the good lovin' coming our way. We accept all prayers, good intentions and love. We always need your love.
Maggie
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Really!
I have been having a hard time lately. I really don’t want to go back on chemo. I really want to be healed. I really want to have a life again. A life that doesn’t include cancer.
I really would like to begin again.
But that is not my reality - yet. I might be one of those women that has chemo for four years, five years and then maybe remission. I might also be one of those women that never has remission. I might never. I faced that reality last fall. Last September I faced that. It was brutal, it was awful. I cried for days. Days. I hated those days. There were many long talks, phone calls. I needed to tell each and every one of the people in my life, that I love, love, I needed to tell them personally that it wasn’t going to be pretty, or a beautiful story. At least not yet, not at that time.
And I am still not there yet. I really thought that with four months of CA125 tests scoring below 35 that I was on the way to good health. What I am is a chronic ovarian cancer patient. I will have this for the rest of my life. I will be sick from the treatment for the rest of my life.
BUT
I will also have periods of relatively good health while I am in treatment. And that is what I am experiencing right now. I feel good, I have low energy, but I don’t feel sick. No nausea, no overwhelming fatigue, no devastating side effects. Today I feel good. And isn’t that all we really have? Isn’t today good? I think so.....
I am content.
And have overused the word really.
:) Maggie
I really would like to begin again.
But that is not my reality - yet. I might be one of those women that has chemo for four years, five years and then maybe remission. I might also be one of those women that never has remission. I might never. I faced that reality last fall. Last September I faced that. It was brutal, it was awful. I cried for days. Days. I hated those days. There were many long talks, phone calls. I needed to tell each and every one of the people in my life, that I love, love, I needed to tell them personally that it wasn’t going to be pretty, or a beautiful story. At least not yet, not at that time.
And I am still not there yet. I really thought that with four months of CA125 tests scoring below 35 that I was on the way to good health. What I am is a chronic ovarian cancer patient. I will have this for the rest of my life. I will be sick from the treatment for the rest of my life.
BUT
I will also have periods of relatively good health while I am in treatment. And that is what I am experiencing right now. I feel good, I have low energy, but I don’t feel sick. No nausea, no overwhelming fatigue, no devastating side effects. Today I feel good. And isn’t that all we really have? Isn’t today good? I think so.....
I am content.
And have overused the word really.
:) Maggie
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