Merry Christmas!

My best wishes to all for a very Merry Christmas.  We will spend Christmas with Richie's family. The usual holiday preparations have been made and we are relaxing with cozy days in front of the wood stove and watching all different kinds of movies.  Today's selection was The Quiet Man. Such a great movie!

I am quietly knitting the last of my gifts and enjoying the company of my darlings during the day.  They disappear, as the evening approaches, to visit with their friends.  Poor Richie sees little of them during the holidays.  As is the rhythm of their lives right now, they sleep late and stay up late.  But it is wonderful to see them doing normal things, having normal lives and pursuing normal activities. If they were staying home all the time, I would be a little worried.  This behavior makes me feel good about how things have been going lately. Despite the cancer we seem to be managing well.

I am feeling good physically. These last six weeks with only one chemo (instead of two) have been a little easier on my body. Even though I had also caught a cold last round, I seemed to weather all the side effects (chemo and common cold) pretty well. And this extra week at Christmas is the best gift I could have been given.  It feels quite nice and natural to have 'normal' days.

The latest cancer news is that there isn't much to report - much to my pleasure.  I am holding steady. The cancer is not advancing, nor is it retreating.  And I can live with that. I am very tired, but I have the energy for the little things. I can usually get a couple of small errands run, the grocery, the bank, and my favorite place - the library.  If I rest for an hour or so during the afternoon, I am good for the evening. The evening is the best part of my day. I love when the kids and Richie are home. Yes, it's the best part of the day.

I had chemo right after Thanksgiving and will go back in again for a round on Dec. 29. As long as the tumor doesn't change much and my blood work stays the same, I will continue on the carbo and taxol.  This next round will be my eighth of this series and I am weary of it, but if it is working for me I must continue it.  The trade-off is that I feel good when I feel good. The days of nausea are no picnic, but they are worth going through to have the good days.

More good days mean more time with my gang.  Each day with them helps me so much. They are my best medicine.  My thanks to all of you for your continued prayers, the meals and for the loving. We recognize how blessed and lucky we are this holiday season, we recognize it every day.  We wouldn't be in such a lovely spot if it hadn't been for the generosity of our family and friends. Pat yourself on the backs, my dears and I'll see you in the New Year!

Hugs,
Maggie

Weathering the Storm

I've managed to weather another round.  Much to my surprise.  I went into this one thinking depressing thoughts.  I mean, how much more of this can my body take? Well, I am gambling on more because my intention is to continue on the same path.

I think I finally have the hang of it after seven rounds.  If I get a little something in my stomach just before they load me up with steroids and benadryl, I fidget for the following couple of hours and then exhaustion takes over. If I am coherent enough to ask for more benadryl during the evening I will sleep through the night.

The rub is I am never coherent enough to ask for the benadryl again and the night drags on.  The constant assessments and readings and changes in drug delivery make for a long, long night. I always plan for it to be different, but need to be more explicit with my needs BEFORE I take even the first of the pre-meds.

Mostly I am just trying to document the process, but also I am trying to remind myself of what I need to do. I have it written down and I have it in my head but I often forget, hoping that each round will be better than the last.

On the other side of chemo I have the usual nausea, aches, pains and fatigue and this time I had the unfortunate luck to also get a good, old cold.  C, M and I all suffered through the long weekend. I have to say that it was nice having their company for the weekend, but it is always hard watching your children suffer. I would gladly take on their woes, but I know I would not be doing them any favors.  So, C stayed home from school on Friday, coughed and sneezed the day away - and away from me.  I couldn't take the chance on getting more of his germs! Saturday was my day to just suffer alone. I played on-line mahjong and read the end of a good book.  And I napped - often.  Sunday was M's day to sit with me. She studied, we watched a good movie - The Painted Veil - and she napped.

So I have survived another round of carbo/taxol.  I hope that I am close to the end of this stuff. I hate this cancer. I hate the chemotherapy, but I do love being alive. When the bad days end, I can be happy with what I have.  And what I have is another day, another sunrise, another smile from my guys.  I think I can weather that storm....

Focus on the positive, focus, focus on the good

Tuesday morning, 8am.  I am going back in to the factory this afternoon for another round of chemo. On the one hand, I feel amazingly relaxed about what I know is coming. I have made all my follow-up appointments: acupuncture, nuelasta, reiki, massage therapy.  The pantry is filled with the foods I know will physically satisfy my hunger.  Rides have been arranged and I have had my pre-chemo conversations with the nurse. 

On the other hand, I am almost shaking with the anxiety that these ‘sessions’ bring.  M, C and Rich have all jumped on the anxiety train and we all feel a sense of desperation that none of us will ever get comfortable with.  There are always the niggling worries about how we will weather the chemo this time around.  Will this be the time that my body has a major reaction? Will another physical side effect intensify? Will the chemo finally make me sicker than the cancer? 

Rather than have a time and date when this will all be over, I’ve preferred to just know what will be happening the ‘next’ time.  I don’t want to be disappointed if we have to go into extra innings with the treatment and so I don’t want to know if seven or eight or nine treatments will be the limit.  And I realized last night that I don’t want to know because I don’t know what will happen next.  I have already run through most of the drugs that are likely to have helped me - and they haven’t. So what next? Well, next might be a drug that could help me but that has some really nasty potential side effects.  Those side effects make losing my hair seem like easy street.  I cannot even list them for fear of making them real and I am not even on the drug yet!!!

But more importantly, I head into this next round with a storehouse of lovely holiday memories. We spent Thanksgiving in St. Louis with my family and it was a wonderful holiday. I really do think family and friends are the best medicine I have right now. We had a delicious dinner on Thursday at Mom’s house. The whole gang was there (minus my nephew and his girlfriend - you were missed!!) so it was a lively and loud full house.  Friday started with brunch and then everyone went different directions. I found time for a much needed nap and that evening we had a great dinner at a local pizza place (a niece's current job.) Saturday, Rich and I took the kids around town to see some sights.  I had a late lunch with some friends and they did some more exploring.

As always, the best part of the trip was the ride home, it’s always great to have the kids all to ourselves for those four hours and is my favorite part of the trip. So rather than focus on the bad, I will keep pulling on my memories of Thanksgiving 2010. Thanks to my family for all the laughs, the good food and wine, and the chance to all be together again, even if just for a few days.

Love, lots of love,

Maggie

Reiki and Peppermint Ice Cream

My usual transition through chemo day one and beyond means I am feeling sick - nauseous, bone-achy, bone-tired, headachy, and not up for much but keeping to myself, in my bed.  In ten (or so) days time I wake up again feeling like my old (and I do mean old) self.  But this round has gone rather well for me and I feel like sharing it.

I did two things differently this time.  I had a reiki treatment right after chemo.  I don't know how it is supposed to work or why it works, but it does.  I walked away feeling really good from the movement of energy.  I had a nuelasta shot later that afternoon, followed by acupuncture and more energy work on Friday.

The other thing I did was to really give myself a wide berth in the food department.  When I don't feel well, I will eat potatoes and corn and not beat myself up too much for going off the diet. This time, I told Richie that I just needed calories and what I really wanted was peppermint ice cream.  And that's what I had on Friday night.  It was devine. I love that stuff. Reminds me of Velvet Freeze and childhood and of true indulgence.

So, I am feeling good, slowly crawling my way out of this latest, longest depression I have been in. I feel strong enough to try for that walk tomorrow. I feel happy enough to join the living again.  Thanks for the meals, the prayers and the good energy coming my way......
Maggie

I'll Keep My Dancing Shoes On!

Had a great weekend away with Richie. I went with him to Birmingham, AL to the Barber Festival.  It was wonderful to ride around with him on this little 160cc Honda. We both had such big smiles on our faces.  I was able to meet so many people that have become important to him in the world of vintage motorcycles.  And they all love him. Makes a gal proud, but not surprised. He is such a wonderful man. I am thankful for him, and all his family and friends. And for all they do for us...

The biggest surprise of the weekend was an unexpected visit from my brother and sister! They were only two hours away and made the trip down for a short period of time. But we had a great visit and took a quick trip out to the motorcycle fest. They got to give Richie a squeeze and take their own trip around the museum grounds on the honda. There were lots of smiles and hugs all the way around. 

I had my usual amount of energy (low) and spent time reading in our room at the hotel when I wasn’t out at the track, but I loved being away from home with just Rich for the weekend. I love our house and the home we have made here, but I spend a lot of time just being inside these four walls. I am not complaining and I really don’t want it to be any other way right now, but the weekend was a great reminder that there is a world out there that I still want to rejoin and I need to keep my dancing shoes on - just in case.

I really missed the kiddos.  I feel very selfish about my time with them.  I am not being negative when I say this, but I have no idea what my future holds and I want as much time with them as their teen age lives will allow.  But it was also very good for them to have me gone for the weekend. They need to stand on their own (even though their wonderful cousin was here with them) and they need a break from cancer every now and then.  We all need the break and this past weekend was really just that!

Our entire weekend was uneventful, which is always welcome. I left town feeling a bit nervous - the ‘what ifs’ sounding loudly in my head. To have made the trip and not had problems gives me hope.  Our homecoming was good - it’s always good when your children are happy to see you - and they were!!

Recovering from the weekend has been my primary goal today - and I was lucky enough to have lunch today with three of my wonderful girlfriends.  We talked all about the things we needed to catch up on with each other and very little about the cancer.  I like it when things work out that way.  I am weary of the cancer story. I don’t mind answering direct questions, but certainly there are more interesting subjects than the %^&$#!! cancer.

I am scheduled for my next chemo tomorrow and that will be number five for this round.  I don’t know how many more she will prescribe, but I feel like I can handle a few more. Richie and I will meet with her sometime in the next few weeks to determine how we will move forward. There is the question of the tumor on my bladder to consider and what sorts of therapies are available to me as we move forward.  I know that there are still many in the arsenal, but not all are available to me, and I would like some information and time to prepare for any plans Dr. C thinks we need to make.  

A cancer blogger friend has decided to enter hospice.  A sobering day. I am lucky to still be alive, I am determined to keep fighting. She has been an inspiration to me, strong, sassy and full of hope.  

My latest mantra is 'I am holding my own.' I am not getting any worse and I feel pretty stable. The fatigue is pretty constant which makes the meals that much more wonderful. It’s so good to have a home cooked meal at the end of the day. Your generosity (you know who you are!) is soooooo appreciated. We feel your love and good energy every day. I know the prayers are working, keep ‘em up, please?!

Love and hugs,

Maggie

Another update

Good news! I do love to share good news. After I started back on the nasty carbo/taxol chemo treatment in July, I had an immediate drop in my ca125. I think it went from 357 to 62. And then it started to creep back up. Two weeks ago, it had reached 109 and I was thinking that this was an indication that the therapy was not working for me. But today, I have positive results from yesterday's ctscan and bloodwork. My ca125 was at 111, really a negligible increase. The ctscan shows that I still have no metastices to my chest and abdomen and the tumor on my bladder measures slightly smaller than the last scan. How about that news? I have recently been telling people that I am holding my own and I REALLY am! Maybe this is an indication that the roller coaster is changing course yet again. I'll take that because I like the highs. This also means that I must continue on the course I've chosen, more chemo, more nausea, more fatigue. It took a long time for me to grow this cancer, it's going to take a long time to get well.

We are all doing pretty well. M and C continue to amaze me. I cannot imagine really, how difficult it must be to be going through the teen years WITH a mom who has cancer. Yet every day they get up, go to school and continue to live their lives. This is really sappy but it makes me think of the lyrics from the song 'Something Good' from The Sound of Music.

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

I really do think that if nothing else, if my life ends soon, if I die tomorrow, my beautiful children will live on and for that I am so very thankful.

Richie is doing well too. We both love Autumn and this time of year just makes me happy. I love the change in season and the cool quality of the days. I love jeans and sweaters and bundling up in a jacket. The only hard part of the weather now is my bald head. It's a little chilly with out any hair and my ears get so cold. A few weeks back a friend sent out a plea for headgear for me and I was the recipient of some rather beautiful scarves. I look rather elegant in them and I know that one day my hair will grow back. There is comfort in that.

We are planning more home improvement projects. We are always planning more home improvement projects. We'll probably never be done working on this house and that's okay because we are doing something we love. Or rather, Richie is doing the work and I am watching. I am going to go with Richie to Birmingham, AL for a business trip next weekend. It will be a bit of a anniversary trip - 20 years - this last September 22.

Retta has organized meals for us and we have a hot meal coming almost every other day. It is wonderful. On the days I feel good I can usually muster enough energy for a meal, but not always. These meals have been a godsend and a great chance to see people that I don't usually get to see and thank them in person for their generosity. We are very, very thankful.

My thanks to each and every one of you for your prayers and your good energy. It's working, it's really working!
Love and hugs,
Maggie

A Milestone

Richie and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday. What a good feeling. I have now known him for almost half my life. Although the last few years with cancer have been devastating, I am still happy to be where I am, with the people I am with, living the life I am living.

Sure, I would get rid of the cancer, but the rest of it, it’s all been a wonderful ride.

On my way to making more memories....
Love,
Maggie